Not surprising...

CANTON, Ohio (AP) -- Google users looking for directions to the city that's home to the Pro Football Hall of Fame have been getting maps for "Colesville," Ohio, not Canton.
Google Inc. says people first started noticing and complaining on Friday about the naming error, which was still not corrected as of Tuesday morning. Elaine Filadelfo, a spokeswoman for Mountain View, Calif.-based Google, says the Web-browsing giant hopes to have Canton's name fixed within days, once several programs are reviewed and revised.
Filadelfo explains that the mistake was made last week when Google did some updating of its maps.
There is no actual Colesville, Ohio, though maps issued by the governor's office show the state does have a Colebrook, a Colerain and a Coletown.

I don't care at all about Canton, Ohio, but I do care about the fact that Google Maps has sent me to the wrong location more than once. Too many to count, in fact. So has MapQuest. This is a problem because, you see, I was a championship map reader. I have a long-sleeve t-shirt to prove it. Unfortunately, Google Maps and MapQuest have waged war on map readers, making us the VCR to their DVD player. We're forced to use their sorry ass directions to look "hip" or "with it." This is only a minor slap in the face - when the directions are right. But try explaining yourself to your co-pilot when the directions take you to Wisconsin instead of Chicago. It's nearly impossible. "NO, I swear! I AM a championship map reader! I'll show you my t-shirt... Oh fine, you don't believe me? Well that's just great. Get yourself to Schaumburg then!"

Have you seen this show?

Have you seen Glee? It makes me smile. I haven't watched this week's episode yet so quit trying to spoil it for me. I can't yet put my finger on why I like it so much. It could be that I wish I could sing. Because I do. Wish I could sing. But, I think part of it is the way the show is written. It's clever. And it combines all of my favorite things about musicals into a TV show. It also takes me completely away from anything that may be wrong at any one time. Anyway. Watch it. DVR it. Whatever.

Ready for a change

My friend Jessica gets to work from home. There's not much I wouldn't do to have that opportunity. You see what I did there? That's a double negative. I mean to say, I would do anything to work from home. I would even video chat with this guy.

Okay, so I say I would like to work from home but I'm sure I would go crazy in a very short amount of time. I would, however, like to have unlimited amounts of money so I could make my house look like this.

At the bottom of this link-ridden rant is a tired newsie. I work really hard all week, keeping my mind active and my eyes searching through endless press releases and news articles to make sure that I don't miss anything. Then I take all the information I've gathered from my humble desk and I'm charged with telling everyone about it. All the while dealing with tempers and egos and a personal life which I rank above everything, and I mean everything. Meanwhile, I'm trying to not get fat because I sit down all day.

Just sayin'. I'm ready for a change.

Ankle monitor for DA

PHILADELPHIA (AP) -- Voters in Philadelphia will have an easy time telling where one candidate for district attorney stands -- with the help of a GPS ankle bracelet.
Republican district attorney candidate Michael Untermeyer is wearing an electronic monitoring bracelet for the next month. Visitors to Untermeyer's Web site, www.untermeyerforda.com, can track the his movements minute-by-minute for the next 30 days.
Untermeyer said Thursday the city could save millions of dollars by moving nonviolent defendants out of the prison system and keeping tabs on them electronically instead.
Untermeyer says it costs $98 a day to keep someone locked up but just $8 a day to monitor them electronically.
Democratic opponent Seth Williams says the ankle bracelet is just a gimmick and the prison overcrowding issue has no quick fix.

If I were you, Untermeyer, I would not let Philadelphians track my every move. They're sneaky, ruthless. Have been since they started this country. I've read about how they fought the native Americans. Not cool guys. So not cool.

ANOTHER case???

NEW YORK (AP) -- It's another case of the wandering goat in New York City.
Officials say an emaciated-looking Nubian goat wandered onto the property of a nursing home in the Bronx, where two other goats were discovered in July.
Animal shelter officials said the male goat was found Tuesday. He was feverish and suffering from pneumonia.
He has joined the other two goats, nicknamed Duncan and Isadora, at the Farm Sanctuary in Watkins Glen, N.Y.
Animal Care and Control spokesman Richard Gentles speculates the animals could have escaped from someone's backyard, a farm or market where they would have been slaughtered for meat.

I have no idea what a Nubian goat is, but I'm gonna go ahead and assume it looks like a regular goat. Which is to say it has a beard. And therefore looks a little bit like a dog. In which case it fits perfectly with the content of my blog. Twisting information to fit my fancy is the name of the game folks. Step right up.

$11,792,918,170,836.43

MONTROSE, Colo. (AP) -- The national debt is so large, it doesn't even fit on most calculators.
Western Colorado real estate developer Matt Miles says he was concerned that no one in government, nor most Americans, had ever seen the number. So he made a new calculator.
The "Big Red" calculator displays 16 digits. That's enough to show all the numbers in the national debt, which totaled nearly $11.8 trillion -- or $11,792,918,170,836.43 -- at the start of September.
Miles says he wants to get people thinking about how much the United States owes.
He wouldn't say how much he invested to launch Big Red, but he says the number fits comfortably on a standard calculator.
Big Red's price needs only four digits. It's on sale for $12.99 at Amazon.com.

Phew! Now that you'll be able to see the national debt on a calculator, more people will want to add it up. Oh wait. No one will do that. Because math sucks.

What a dumb dumb

BETHLEHEM, Pa. (AP) -- Authorities in eastern Pennsylvania say they have identified a suspected bank robber using the wallet he left behind.
Bethlehem police say 51-year-old Lloyd Virgil Barclay held up a KNBT branch on Wednesday morning, making off with $800. But Barclay forgot his wallet, which police say he placed on the teller's counter when he presented a note demanding money.
The wallet had two photo IDs, a Social Security card and a Philadelphia criminal registration card. Police say the ID pictures match Barclay's image in surveillance footage.
Barclay, of Philadelphia, has been charged with robbery and other offenses. He remained at large Wednesday.

This story must be the reason why my mom told me not to carry my social security card in my purse. That way if I ever do something illegal I don't get in trouble. It's pretty common for my mom to try and help me avoid the police. Like the time she hid me in the basement for the first 18 years of my life. It's a good thing she did that or I could be in big trouble for never appearing in a family photo. Getting in trouble with the law would be so confusing.

Ode de Toilet

FORT WORTH, Texas (AP) -- At first, fire officials suspected that carbon monoxide or some other toxic fumes had sickened almost 150 people at a Texas bank call center.
It turned out that perfume was to blame.
MedStar ambulance spokeswoman Lara Kohl says 34 people were taken to hospitals, 12 by ambulance, after reporting dizziness and shortness of breath Wednesday at a Bank of America call center in Fort Worth. An additional 110 were treated at the scene.
Fort Worth fire Lt. Kent Worley says the incident started with two people complaining about dizziness after a co-worker sprayed perfume. Others reported being sick when an announcement was made that anyone with similar symptoms should exit the building.
Investigators do not know what type of perfume was sprayed.

I'll tell you what type of perfume it was. Poison. This person is a fragrance terrorist. It's not a new trend, you've seen it a hundred times walking through a department store. They want you to inhale the toxic fumes so that you'll buy stuff. That, or pass out on the floor and they'll drag you into their back room and do your make up so you look like a clown. Or maybe that is just what I'd like to do to someone.

Busted.

MANATEE, Fla. (AP) -- Authorities say a Florida motorist who used fake police lights to get through traffic was busted after an off-duty sheriff's deputy pulled over to get out of the way and became suspicious.
Manatee County Detective Jeff Lane was driving on a Florida interstate on July 18 when he saw the lights behind him and pulled over. When he saw that the passing car was a black BMW with no police markings, Lane became suspicious and wrote down the license plate number.
The sheriff's office said Lane connected the vehicle to a 34-year-old Sarasota man. The detective went to the Publix where the man worked Tuesday, and authorities say he admitted using the lights.
The man was arrested and charged with impersonating an officer. He was released Wednesday on bail.

Every once and a while you hear about someone to puts a dummy in their passenger seat while driving in the High Occupancy Vehicle (HOV) lane. It's a genius plan if you ask me... That is until something happens and a police officer catches you. But if that happened to me I would just play dumb and act like the officer was offending me by saying my passenger wasn't real. "How dare you!" I would say. "Don't listen to him Abigail, he's just upset because he doesn't have anyone to ride in his car with him." Ten bucks says the cop would let me go.

The Great Toupee Challenge of 2009

MYRTLE BEACH, S.C. (AP) -- The owner of a South Carolina hair replacement business says a Myrtle Beach roller coaster isn't nearly as hair-raising as the commercials claim.
A television ad shows the 150-foot-tall Time Machine at Freestyle Music Park moving so fast that a man loses his hairpiece. But Dennis Murphy, who owns a hair replacement business, says the ad puts toupees in a bad light.
So he rode the coaster Thursday to prove his toupee would stay on. The Sun News of Myrtle Beach reports that his hands stayed in the coaster and his hairpiece stayed put, though he looked like he'd been in a strong wind.
Murphy says he appreciates the park giving him a chance to prove his point. Officials there say the ad is meant to be fun and they'll keep running it.

This article got me thinking. What would a real toupee challenge be like? Would participants line up at the county fair and ask a dollar for people to guess who was wearing a toupee and who has their real hair? I play that game all the time, but I do it for free. So forget you, county fair! Stop trying to take my money.

Birthday Girl

Bright orange Frisbee disc
A little dog chews on you
You were a freebie

23 quadrillion dollars

MANCHESTER, N.H. (AP) -- A New Hampshire man says he swiped his debit card at a gas station to buy a pack of cigarettes and was charged over 23 quadrillion dollars.
Josh Muszynski (Moo-SIN'-ski) checked his account online a few hours later and saw the 17-digit number -- a stunning $23,148,855,308,184,500 (twenty-three quadrillion, one hundred forty-eight trillion, eight hundred fifty-five billion, three hundred eight million, one hundred eighty-four thousand, five hundred dollars).
Muszynski says he spent two hours on the phone with Bank of America trying to sort out the string of numbers and the $15 overdraft fee.
The bank corrected the error the next day.
Bank of America tells WMUR-TV only the card issuer, Visa, could answer questions. Visa, in turn, referred questions to the bank.

twenty-three quadrillion, one hundred forty-eight trillion, eight hundred fifty-five billion, three hundred eight million, one hundred eighty-four thousand, five hundred dollars. Try saying that three times fast.

Naked at the dentist

STRATFORD, Conn. (AP) -- Police say a Connecticut man has been arrested because he showed up at a dental office naked.
Police say 41-year-old Christopher Hoff, of Stratford, also was five days late for his appointment.
Authorities say Hoff entered Optimus Dental's office Monday with nothing on. A startled female receptionist screamed, and he ran away.
Officers went to his home, and Hoff told them he had been sleeping all day. Police took Hoff to the dental office, where the receptionist identified him.
Hoff was charged with disorderly conduct, public indecency and failure to comply with fingerprinting.
He did not immediately return a telephone message left Wednesday at his home. It's unclear if he has an attorney.

The dentist's office may be the last place I would want to be naked. There are so many sharp tools in there. Not to mention the x-ray machines that give you radiation. Give that man a lead apron and I bet he'd be fine.

Time Squared

Hey, New York City
Time Square is far too busy
I snapped a photo.

Ellis Island on the 4th of July

Oops.

TORRINGTON, Conn. (AP) -- Police say a group of Connecticut teenagers misunderstood a woman's screams during sex and stopped what they thought was an assault by beating the woman's companion.
A girl, two boys and a 19-year-old man were arrested Tuesday and arraigned Wednesday on assault and conspiracy charges.
On June 6, police say the 16-year-old girl, who lives in the Torrington home, heard the 34-year-old woman's screams and thought she was being attacked.
The girl rounded up four friends. Police say they went into the bedroom and beat the woman's 25-year-old companion with a baseball bat and punched him. He was treated at a hospital and released.
One of the friends wasn't charged.
The woman hasn't returned a message left by The Associated Press. There is no phone listing for the man.

I suppose at one time or another every 34 year old woman needs to learn that if you're going to have sex with a man who is a decade younger than you, you should probably close the windows. That, or play that game that I used to play with my sister when she would talk too much. "Who can be the quietest," I used to call it.

Cruiser kisses

CANTON, Ohio (AP) -- The police chief of a northeast Ohio township has retired after a video became public showing him and a female office kissing and caressing in the front of a police cruiser while a prisoner was in the back seat.
Timothy Escola retired Tuesday night after four years with the Perry Township police department about 50 miles south of Cleveland. Law Director Charles Hall says Escola's retirement closes an internal investigation.
Hall says no charges are being considered against part-time officer Janine England, who was with Escola in the cruiser June 2.
Escola and England drove to the Cincinnati area to pick up a burglary suspect.
An anonymous tip prompted an investigation last week and a review of the cruiser's dashboard camera.

Sure the tip was "anonymous." Ten bucks says the tipster was the criminal in the back seat of the cruiser while those two were playing tonsil hockey. I'd be pissed if I was that guy. Not only do you feel like a third wheel, but you're going to jail, which would ruin anyone's day.

Dante's Inferno

ZURICH (AP) -- It must rank among the easiest fires ever to put out.
Zurich authorities say police and firefighters were called to the house of an elderly woman early Thursday after she reported her television set was burning.
When they arrived, they discovered no signs of fire or smoke.
They found instead that the TV was tuned into a German station that in the early morning hours aired the constant image of a fireplace.
"The fire was extinguished with the press of a button," police said in a statement.

I won't lie. I get the winter blues. To fight those blues, C.Ropp and I thought it would be nice to get a DVD of a fire place to put on his giganto TV. We thought it would warm up the intensely small and cramped apartment where we once lived. In order to find an "ambiance" DVD, I traveled to the only place I could think to look. Best Buy. You know, because its the best place to buy. It says so right on the sign.

I walked into the brightly colored blue and yellow building and went in search of a fireplace DVD. Little did I know I would soon face one of the most uncomfortable encounters I would ever face. A salesman by the name of Dante approached me. Can I help you? He asked. Why sure. I replied. I explained what I was looking for and he gave me a very strange look. Sort of a "I know what you're sayin'" look even though I wasn't saying anything. Except for I was looking for a fireplace DVD.

The next thing he did was fairly shocking. He pulled my left hand out of my pocket to examine whether there was a ring or not. Sadly, there was no engagement or wedding ring on my finger. I left my fake one at home. So he looks at me again as if to say, "I'll come over and hang out with you on a bear skin rug with a fireplace DVD and smooth jazz playing in the background." Yeah, you know that look. Anyway, he told me he would look on his computer for the product. He looked. And looked. And looked. All the while giving me looks which I can only assume were meant to be flirtatious.

He couldn't find the DVD I was looking for in stock, but he said he had an alternative for me. Okay, I said. He walked down the aisle where the excessive video game paraphernalia are. I followed. He walked up to a box labeled with a group of characters who seemed to be pretending to be in a rock band. "It's a fog machine." He said. "I own this." ...Okay, I thought. Where is he going with this? "I own this... but I DON'T own Rock Band." He said. And then he winked at me.

Yum, passports...

EAU CLAIRE, Wis. (AP) -- A Wisconsin teenager using a classic excuse for evading schoolwork missed a class trip to Peru despite his tale being true: The dog ate his passport.
Officials at Chicago's O'Hare airport told 17-year-old Jon Meier the chewed-on document was fine, but authorities in Miami rejected it and wouldn't let him board the southbound aircraft.
His family's 1-year-old golden retriever, Sunshine, chewed a corner of the document, obscuring some numbers. Meier couldn't get another passport in time to join the trip with his Spanish class from Eau Claire North High School. The 12-day trip ended Monday.
Meier says he can't blame anyone, not even Sunshine: "I love her too much."

I feel really lucky to have found so many dog related stories on my journey through the wire services today. But what's with everyone blaming their dog for everything? (See next post) I can understand blaming your dog for making you sleep in, or for making you talk like a lunatic, but for destroying your belongings? Come on. Take a little responsibility for yourselves, fellow dog owners. If you left your passport on the ground, you deserve to have it chewed up. I hear they are quite tasty, actually.

Smells like feet

ARLINGTON, Wash. (AP) -- A woman accused of dipping into her ex-husband's bank account without permission blames her dog.
Arlington, Wash., police spokeswoman Kristin Banfield says detectives filed court orders to follow the money trail. They learned the money disappearing from the 42-year-old Arlington man's account was being used to pay for utility bills and other items at his ex-wife's home.
Banfield tells The Herald that the woman's first response was, "Her dog got into her purse and ate all her personal checks." The 50-year-old woman reportedly told police she had no choice but to take money from her former husband's account.
The women is under investigation for identity theft and forgery.

This woman's logic, while interesting, is altogether ridiculous. When Gracie tears up my shoes, do I wear C.Ropp's shoes? No. Why? Because they're several sizes too big and they smell like feet.

Man in the Mirror

Man in the mirror
You sang Billie Jean and Bad
Michael Jackson's dead.

Suspicious pickled mangoes

COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) -- An Ohio airport summoned a bomb squad to detonate a suspicious item that turned out to be pickled mangoes.
X-ray equipment used by federal security screeners in Columbus could not detect what was inside a sealed canister in luggage being inspected around 7 p.m. Tuesday. The container was labeled "baby food," but authorities say security personnel became suspicious when the woman who owned the suitcase claimed the canister held pickles.
A fire department bomb squad removed the item from the airport and detonated it, discovering the mangoes.

As a general rule, I am suspicious of all mangoes. Pickled or otherwise.

Statute of limitations on snake heads?

CLIFTON PARK, N.Y. (AP) -- The case of the severed snake head in a dish of a broccoli at an upstate New York restaurant may go unsolved.
A diner said he found the snake head on May 3 while eating at a T.G.I. Friday's in Clifton Park, north of Albany.
Laboratory tests showed the head hadn't been cooked, indicating it was added to the broccoli at the restaurant. The Carrollton, Texas-based company asked New York State Police to investigate.
State police say they can't determine how the snake wound up in the dish and that the investigation has been closed.
The statute of limitations is five years. So if someone comes forward with evidence within that time, charges could still be filed.

Clearly this mystery needs to be solved. Allow me to take a stab at it. The man who ordered the broccoli had a snake head in his pocket. He put it in his veggie side dish in hopes that he could file a lawsuit against T.G.I. Friday's and become a rich man. The end.

Nickle and Diming

When companies start to nickle and dime you, anger is inevitable. After all, you worked hard for your money (so hard for it honey) so you should be able to spend it how you choose and not have it stolen from you under the guise of "partial charges" and "fine print." But, it happens. Companies rip people off simply by billing them for things hoping they will never call and complain. This has happened to me recently, and I can tell you I have found the perfect way to release my anger. I haven't tried it yet, but I've seen it work for Gracie. The formula is: Bark loudly and bang on your crate. Works like a charm.

This little piggy

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. (AP) -- Hogs on the highway aren't always motorcycles.
Arkansas State Police say a tractor-trailer rig hauling pigs overturned early Monday on a major highway and some of the four-legged hogs got loose.
The wreck and the roaming porkers closed a stretch of Interstate 430 connecting Little Rock to North Little Rock.
State Police spokesman Bill Sadler said morning commuters were detoured around the area as troopers and others tried to corral the escaped hogs.
The swine could weigh as much as 800 pounds each.
Authorities said the truck was carrying about 90 hogs. Some of them remained in the trailer while others made a break for freedom.

The smart pigs ran for it. You better believe I would. They've got to know their 15 hour trip in the back of a crowded semi trailor isn't going to end well. The doors of that thing should say "welcome to your life as bacon." Speaking of bacon, it is C.Ropp's favorite food. I'm a really thoughtful girlfriend, so I bought him an air freshener that smells like bacon. He hasn't put it in his car yet, but I'm keeping my finger's crossed. Any day now... Any day.

Make it a puppy

BOSTON (AP) -- A New Hampshire postal worker is getting his own special delivery.
George Knapp and his wife, Dani-Jean Stuart, of Weare, N.H., have adopted the two-pound, 8-week-old kitten that was dropped in a public mailbox in Boston.
The MSPCA Animal Care and Adoption Center says Stuart directed a television news segment about the kitten, which the organization dubbed "Postina." The couple has renamed their new pet P.D., for "postage due."
A U.S. Postal Service letter carrier found the kitty earlier this month amid dozens of envelopes and packages. She likely was stuffed through the mailbox's small opening and dropped several feet onto the mail below.
Animal abandonment in Massachusetts is punishable by up to a $2,500 fine and 5 years in prison.

Change everything in this story about a kitten to a puppy, and I'm sold. Kittens are cute. I'll give you that. But they eventually turn into cats. And you know how I feel about those. Call me predictable, but I can't help it that I love puppies. And they love the news.

They call me mellow yellow

Scott's bright yellow shirt
Makes me grin with happiness
It's from Nautica.

Lemons into Lemonade

CINCINNATI (AP) -- A Washington, D.C. couple who lost their government jobs are turning a job search into a tour of the nation's major league ball parks.
Roberto Coquis and Judy Pino say the idea hit them when they traveled to Indianapolis for job interviews. They had already been to a game in Washington to see the Nationals, so they have added home games with the Cleveland Indians, Chicago Cubs, Kansas City Royals, St. Louis Cardinals and Pittsburgh Pirates.
On Sunday, they were in Cincinnati to see the Reds and Chicago White Sox, then left for Atlanta to see the Braves play the New York Yankees.
With their 18-week-old daughter, Sofia, they expect to visit all 30 major league parks this summer, leaving resumes along the way.

That's nice. How they turned lemons into lemonade. Look honey, we're broke, let's go even more broke by touring the country. At least gas isn't four dollars. Yet. Oh I know what you're thinking: Why such a sour puss this morning, LinzFactory? Well -- I can sum it up in a couple words: Termites, unemployment, and inflation.

Something flu

HIGHLAND PARK, Ill. (AP) -- The bride wore white -- and a face mask.
A Chicago couple married in surgical masks and latex gloves Sunday after learning less than 48 hours before that they both had swine flu.
Ilana Jackson and Jeremy Fierstien went ahead with the ceremony after doctors assured them guests wouldn't be at serious risk.
But to be sure, the 26-year-olds kept a 10-foot distance from family and friends at all times, even walking around the gathering instead of down the aisle at a Highland Park synagogue.
Jackson says they'd joked about swine flu after both experienced vomiting, achy limbs and fever. But they never thought they really had it.
She says the circumstances were unfortunate but that they took it in stride.

Something old, something new, something borrowed, and some swine flu! This seems a little over the top to me so I made a clever joke at their expense. But if I had the swine flu I probably wouldn't think this was funny. I'd probably just vomit instead, because that's what happens to people who make jokes of others' misfortunes. Excuse me for a moment... I'm not feeling so well... I'm a little nauseous...

Moose insurance

PROVO, Utah (AP) -- Two Utah students feel goosed by a moose on the loose.
Their cars were parked on the campus of Brigham Young University in Provo when a young bull moose showed up June 4. State wildlife officials shot it with a tranquilizer gun, but before it fell, it busted through a barricade and collapsed on the cars.
One of the students, Cassi Elton, said she expected the state to pick up the $1,500 in damages. State officials say there's no provision for reimbursing for that kind of damage.
An autobody shop in Orem has offered free repairs for the students.
And the moose? He was released into the wild and hasn't been seen since.

If I lived in Utah, Washington, Oregon, or Alaska I would have moose insurance. You never know when those knobby-kneed-over-sized-deer are going to fall over on your car -- Or worse, your person. I wouldn't want that thing near my caboose. That would be moose abuse. I'd probably have to call my lawyer, Bruce. He's not usually of much use. But in this case maybe there's some money he could produce. Or if nothing else, maybe he could bring me some juice.

No Undies = No Love

BROOKSVILLE, Fla. (AP) -- A Florida city is cleaning up with a new dress code that requires city workers to wear underwear and use deodorant.
The city council in Brooksville north of Tampa recently approved a dress code that instructs employees to observe "strict personal hygiene."
It also prohibits exposed underwear, clothing with foul language, "sexually provocative" clothes and piercings anywhere except the ears.
Repeat offenders can be fired.
The city council approved the dress code 4-1 as part of a wider effort to update existing policies and ordinances.
The one vote in opposition came from Mayor Joe Bernadini. He said the underwear edict "takes away freedom of choice."

Wait just one second here. Underwear is a choice now? I'm going to have to talk to my mother about this. This whole time I've been under the impression that it was mandatory. I even make my dog wear underpants. She knows the rules. No undies = no love. I think that's fair.

He would hurt a fly

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Evidently, there's a new SWAT team at the White House -- and it's Barack Obama.
The president, irritated by an omnipresent fly during a TV interview at the Executive Mansion Tuesday, took matters into his own hands.
Said Obama to the persistent fly: "Get out of here."
But it didn't.
So Obama waited for the fly to settle, put his hand up and then smacked the fly dead in one try.
Without missing a beat, the president said to CNBC correspondent John Harwood: "Now, where were we?"
Well, maybe one more second to gloat.
Said Obama: "That was pretty impressive, wasn't it? I got the sucker."
The camera crew was still rolling in the East Room. Obama didn't mind. He pointed to the vanquished insect on the ground and said, "You want to film that?"
CNBC did. That fly is history.

I understand that a lot of things that shouldn't be considered news end up on this blog. And by publishing this story I am perpetuating the ridiculousness that is the "Obama kills fly" story. But I just really don't understand why it matters if Obama killed a fly. Except that the expression "he wouldn't hurt a fly" doesn't apply to him anymore. But I'm pretty sure that expression doesn't apply to a lot of people. Including myself. I'm ruthless when it comes to insects. Just ask my fly swatter. Or should I say my "Obama."

A comfortable night

SALEM, Mass. (AP) -- A customer at a Salem, Mass., bar spent the night trapped in a bathroom but told police in the morning he was "comfortable" and even offered to pay his tab.
Laura Walton, the manager of Gulu-Gulu Cafe, says staff arrived at about 8 a.m. Saturday and heard noises coming from the bathroom area. She tells The Salem News they called police because they thought someone was breaking in.
The 26-year-old man told police he got locked in the bathroom when the bar closed at 1 a.m. Saturday but spent a "comfortable" night there. Walton says the man was apologetic, offered to pay his tab and quickly left.
Police did not release the man's name. They recommended that bar staff check the bathrooms before locking up in the future.

What kind of person is comfortable being locked up inside a strange bathroom all night long?

I'll tell you: A 26 year old drunk guy.

Should have kept the money

HARRISBURG, Pa. (AP) -- A New Jersey man was left wondering where his $3,000 cash had gone after a job in Pennsylvania. Turns out, the answer was blowin' in the wind.
A Harrisburg-area police officer gearing up to catch speeders early Saturday spotted several $100 bills fluttering in the breeze along the road. Camp Hill police Officer Lane Pryor then found a folder containing the rest of the cash and contact information for the man who lost it.
Pryor tracked down the man, Jose Castilao, and returned the money.
Castilao had been on his way home Friday night after working an event at a Harrisburg-area country club when he realized the folder with his payment was missing.
Camp Hill's police chief says the officer's handling of the windfall speaks well of him.

What this cop doesn't know is that he will now be considered a snitch by the rest of the force. I've seen this in the movies. Happens every time a cop gives cash back. He coulda just kept it, thats what the other coppers say. What a brown noser, they say. They'll give him a hard time in the department. I know these things cause I watch cop movies.

Yellow cab art studio

NEW YORK (AP) -- New York City taxi driver Fabio Peralta has turned the backseat of his yellow cab into an art studio.
When a passenger hops in, Peralta hands the rider a pen and a stack of computer paper. He tell his fares to draw anything they want.
So far, the Dominican Republic native has collected 7,000 sketches. They include depictions of a hummingbird, mountain cabin scenes, President Barack Obama, and some X-rated images.
Other passengers use the paper he supplies to write personal confessions, which Peralta says he doesn't read.
When he gets enough drawings, he binds them into glossy booklets. Peralta gives the booklets away to riders who participate in another of his projects: 30-second video skits of passengers.

If I rode in this guy's cab I would take the piece of paper and fold it into an origami swan. Put that in your booklet and smoke it, Cabbie!

This is a machine

I picked up the newsroom phone today like I usually do, and this conversation commenced:

Me: "Newschannel 15."
Caller: "Yeah!"
Me: "..."
Caller: "Is this a person, or a machine?"
Me: "This is a machine."

China hates us

LOS ANGELES (AP) -- The Los Angeles Zoo will not get a trio of rare golden monkeys from China as promised, after the city spent more than $7 million to build them a new home and hired a feng shui expert to see that it was suitable.
City Councilman Tom LaBonge said Wednesday that withholding the monkeys was a decision by the Chinese government. He said the city's disappointed.
Then-mayor James Hahn went to China in 2002 seeking pandas for the zoo, but returned with the promise of the blue-faced, blond-haired monkeys as substitutes.
The special exhibit -- which cost about $7.4 million -- was designed to create the sense of a rural Chinese village.
Zoo Commission President Shelby Kaplan Sloan says the zoo will find other monkeys for the space.

This is the ultimate slap in the face from China. The mayor of Los Angeles should do what I do when someone doesn't follow through with a promise they made. Send them a strongly worded letter. Mine would go something like this:

Dear China,
Give me those monkeys, damnit.
Love, LinzFactory

Holler at your assignment editor

Meet Scott Murray.
The Employee of the Year.
Co-worker and friend.

Peeing on people

FERNDALE, Mich. (AP) -- A 31-year-old suburban Detroit man faces a misdemeanor assault and battery charge after urinating on several people during an annual gay pride event.
The Daily Tribune of Royal Oak reports the Taylor man had been drinking and was upset that he was splashed with water aimed at street dancers Sunday during the Motor City Pride Festival in Ferndale.
Police Lt. William Wilson says "he may have wanted to take revenge," turned and urinated on the leg of a man standing next two him.
The Detroit Free Press reports two other people were sprayed in the process.

Peeing on people? That is how he chose to retaliate? It's gross, but it doesn't really offend me that much. And let's be honest, it is not hard to offend people at a gay pride event. Or any political gathering for that matter. I can think of about 30 different ways to get a group of activists to cry. I'll just keep those ideas up my sleeve though. I never know when I might run across someone with too many left wing bumper stickers. I'm always ready to throw down.

I thought torture was illegal

WRENTHAM, Mass. (AP) -- It took 101 innings, there were 687 runs scored, and 817 children participated.
The players of the Wrentham Youth Baseball/Softball Association between the ages of 5 and 15 played for 36 straight hours over the weekend, raising an estimated $75,000 for charity.
The event was billed by organizers as the world's longest baseball game. It began at 8:01 a.m. Saturday and ended at 8:01 p.m. Sunday.
Coordinator Jim Lucas says the post-game handshake took about 10 minutes.
The money is still being counted. It will go to a number of charities. The top fundraisers get to attend a lunch with former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling.
The final score was Away 348, Home 339.

Watching a normal baseball game is only tolerable because there's usually adult beverages and nachos. I can only hope there were such concessions at this godforsaken game.

Templeton, is that you?

HAGERSTOWN, Ind. (AP) -- An eastern Indiana smorgasbord that's been serving up hearty family meals for more than six decades is closing its doors.
Welliver's Smorgasbord will close its doors June 28 in Hagerstown about 50 miles east of Indianapolis. The restaurant, which opened in 1947, employs about 50 people and features 10 dining rooms, seating for 500 and a bar.
Owners Janie Welliver and Mary Welliver met Monday with prospective investors or buyers and hope to find some way to keep their debt-saddled eatery open.
Customer Jeff Thalls says that despite Welliver's financial woes it's been popular for so long because of its hometown family atmosphere.

This story isn't all that interesting, I just like that the restaurant is called Welliver's Smorgasbord. When imagining a smorgasbord the only thing I can think of is the rat from Charlotte's Web when he comes out at night to explore the trash left behind at the county fair. I once knew a guy that looked like Templeton. That's not a good thing.

"I'm scared of loud noises"

Phase One: Carpentry

Phase One of my dining room table project is complete. The table is made, but not stained or varnished. I have to say it was very therapeutic and I don't think this will be my last wood working project. Leave it to me to pick a hobby that is both expensive and loud.

Filling the time

Haiku's are simple.

But sometimes they don't make sense.
Refrigerator.

Bad dog!

BERLIN (AP) -- A dog playing fetch in Germany has found and delivered to its owner a U.S. hand grenade from World War II.
Police in the western town of Erkrath said Monday they were called by the dog's 40-year-old owner who stopped walking her pooch when she recognized the "rusty" object it was carrying was a weapon.
Police summoned a munitions expert Sunday to identify and defuse the grenade.
Grenades and bombs left over from World War II are still often found in Germany.
Sometimes whole streets in neighborhoods are evacuated so that such devices can be safely defused.

If Gracie walked up to me with a hand grenade in her mouth I would sit her down and explain to her that violence is not the answer. Make love, not war, pooch. Except, you know, don't "make love." Cause you're too young. And impressionable. And you should be in love before you do that, otherwise he will never respect you.

Good riddance

WESTCLIFFE, Colo. (AP) -- Some Amish families in Indiana, Ohio and Pennsylvania are moving west to small towns in Colorado, seeking to escape high land prices and crowded communities back East. Of an estimated 231,000 Amish nationwide, more than 60 percent still live in Ohio, Pennsylvania and Indiana. But from 2002 to 2008, Colorado's Amish population went from zero to more than 400.
Montana, with an estimated 540 Amish, and Colorado now have the westernmost Amish settlements in the U.S. Colorado ranks seventh in the nation in Amish immigration.
Cropland is worth an average $1,400 per acre in Colorado, compared with $6,000 in Pennsylvania and about $4,000 in Ohio and Indiana, according to a 2007 census by the U.S. Department of Agriculture.

I have a semi-irrational fear of the Amish. Call me crazy, but I tend to shy away from hypocrisy in mass quantities passed down through generations. Ah, but that reasoning might be too political for this blog. I don't really like to start conversations here, so I'm gonna go ahead and give a simpler explanation for my fear of the Amish: I am afraid of beards.

Missing baby found in sandwich

YARMOUTH (FOX25) - A happy ending on the Cape as a missing infant is found safe and sound.
Last night, Yarmouth police reported that 11-month-old Kiah Fielding had been kidnapped by her father.
Police say John Fielding was drunk and had assaulted the infant's mother before he sped off with his daughter. A short time later, Fielding was found in Sandwich, MA.
Police say the girl was a little upset, but unharmed.
Police say the girl's mother had taken out a restraining order against Fielding, but he was still living at her home. Fielding is due to be arraigned on numerous charges later today.

Peering between the slices of whole wheat bread, the police officer carefully plucked a piece of lettuce from between the shaved turkey. Sliding it through the mayonaise, he saw the child. Tucked neatly between a thinly sliced tomato and a mound of provolone, she appeared to be sticky and covered with mustard, but otherwise okay.

All the king's horses

PETERBOROUGH, N.H. (AP) -- Missing: One Humpty Dumpty costume, last seen with Cheshire Cat.
The costume belongs to the Peterborough Players, a southern New Hampshire theater troupe. It was made for a production of "Alice's Adventure in Wonderland."
The New Hampshire Union Leader reports that the costume was last seen at a May 16 festival.
During the festival, the theater company breaks out many costumes and allows children to try them on. The costumes are then worn by actors in a parade.
But it appears someone got their hands on Humpty and walked away. Someone spotted the costumed thief walking with a person in a Cheshire Cat costume.
A teenager has since returned the cat costume, but all the king's horses and all the king's men cannot find Humpty Dumpty again.

Buyer's remorse

LA CANADA FLINTRIDGE, Calif. (AP) -- It's a case of buyer's remorse -- only without the buying.
In the Southern California city of La Canada Flintridge north of Los Angeles, police say a shoplifter who snatched a $1,500 purse from a boutique has returned it to the store, with a note of apology.
Store owner Joanna Nelson says she found the purse at the back door Thursday.
The theft was captured on camera Saturday and police released the video footage to the media. Nelson says she hoped the publicity would help catch the thief, but she never imagined it would lead to the return of the purse.
Police are examining the bag for fingerprints.

This is almost exactly what happened to my sister when she was two years old. She stole a butter knife shaped like a cowboy boot. We found it days later. My mom scolded her. On second thought, this story is not at all like my sister's experience. Probably because we still have the cowboy boot butter knife. Oh well.

What a let down.

FORREST CITY, Ark. (AP) -- An armed Arkansas robbery suspect had a trick or two up his sleeve but police weren't about to be played for fools.
Lawrence Harden Jr., 29, was arrested Wednesday, accused of robbing a liquor store the day before.
Police supervisor Bobby Carter in Forrest City says on the way to jail, the handcuffed, shackled Harden managed to open a window, get out of the SUV and run away -- still in his leg irons. It took tracking dogs an hour and a half to find him.
After officers put him in a car, Carter says, Harden managed to get out of that vehicle, too. He was found behind a nearby house.
Harden was in jail Friday, charged among other things, with aggravated robbery. The sheriff's office could not immediately say whether Harden has an attorney.

The original title of this story was "Slippery Suspect." You can imagine how disappointed I am to find there is no mention of Vaseline, oil, or any other lubricant in the text whatsoever. I am henceforth uninterested in Mr. Carter and his escaping abilities.